Hi Again!
'tis me
Hi to you! Happy June. Thank you for opening these emails more often than you delete them! What a treat. I have a few new friends here so I thought it’d be polite to reintroduce myself. My name is Emily and I started Sweating It with a Welcome back in September of last year, but some time has passed and since then, more of you have arrived!
But listen! I make the rules over here (and nowhere else), so I’d like to formally say hello AGAIN. Especially if you’re new! Hello!
Perhaps you found me via my Holiday Gift Guide, perhaps my Morning Routine, perhaps you are hate-stalking me on the Internet and girl, I get it. Been there. Welcome to you as well.
The internet has made us all narcissists but I’ve spent many years denying it to no avail, so I’m going to Sheryl Sandberg here and lean the fuck in. God, I’m so sorry. That’s such a millennial thing to say. But I’m a Gen-Z cusper! One foot on both sides. Though according to some, I am firmly Gen-Z. To which I say, based. I wasn’t sentient enough to enjoy the 90s. I was peeing my pants in a Chucky Cheese, but now I dress like I was alive then and I guess that’s annoying to Gen X. Love you, Gen X. You have so many goodies: Amy Poehler for one. Homes you could afford for another…
I don’t assume you desire more information about me, the person behind this newsletter that you may or may not even read, but I know you’re a human being (I HOPE!) and so am I, which makes me wonder if you might be interested in some dumb little facts. I love dumb little facts. Here’s a taster:
What’s my Fuck / Marry / Kill Homer Simpson, Punxsutawney Phil, Casper the Friendly Ghost edition?
Obviously fuck Casper because that’d be over real quick, marry Phil because you’d know what’s going on with the weather, and kill Homer because he’d come back to life and will live forever- literally what season are they on? The 102nd?
How about you? You crushing on Casper?
And on that note, let’s get to know one another!
MY DIVA HABIT: If I’m drinking a hot beverage, it needs to be hot. I will microwave it 100 times. If it’s iced, there better be real cubes and there better be a lot of them. I can’t do anything in between.
BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR: Obviously October, only second to June! I love peony season, friends, and it peaks in June.
DUMBEST FEAR: Being swallowed by a whale. Pinocchio put the fear of God in me.
I CANNOT: Relax. Working on it. Getting better. I think?
CURRENTLY READING: Maria Semple’s Go Gentle. Maria’s a former Arrested Development writer who I adore. This one’s about a newly divorced philosopher’s high stakes romp around the black market New York City art world. All of my buzz words. Also Shirley Jackson’s Hangsaman. Now that woman can make being a sad college girl in a spooky house funny!
FAVORITE DINNER: I really like salad. Like, a lot. And I enjoy organic beans. Doesn’t take much. Give me a good toasted sourdough and I’ll dive in. Soup, even. Call me crazy.
WHO IS READING MY INNER MONOLOGUE: Definitely oscillates between Patrick Star and Gus Gus from Cinderella.
A DREAM I HAVE: Being able to afford a modest, content, eco-friendly existence doing something I ~mostly~ enjoy.
BEST THING I OWN: My orthotics. Jesus Christ. Don’t be a dumb bitch, take care of your feet!
LOOKING FORWARD TO: Turning thirty this month. The twenties are a psychological thriller that I hope to leave behind in exchange for the feel good dramedy of a new, wiser decade.
WHAT I WANTED TO BE WHEN I GREW UP: Lilo from Lilo and Stich. Swimming in the ocean, doing adventures and eating sandwiches with my alien best friend seemed pretttttty nice. I’ve settled for my human partner Zack who, if you close your eyes, has a lot in common with Stitch. Though sometimes I wonder if my parents are paying him to wear the blue ears?? If not Lilo, then a stop motion animator and / or, and brace yourselves, an actor… AH!
STYLE ICON: Jennifer Lawrence can make any t-shirt and hat look good. As that is my daily uniform, I worship at her style altar. Beyond Jen, anything Lindsay Weir wore in Freaks and Geeks and everything Haley Williams sports on and off stage because she is a gift to the world of recovering Hot Topic addicts.
COFFEE ORDER: Cold Brew with enough oat milk to swim in it. Sorry I’m not COOL and can’t drink it black !!! Do you even like it black?? Or are you just pretending. WHO IS IT FOR?
WHAT’S MAKING ME SAD: Besides the current world order of evil male mediocrity? The fact that Hacks is over. I sobbed. I did. What a magical group. I implore you to watch.
WHAT’S MAKING ME HAPPY: Warm weather in New York City. I know it is fleeting, soon to be sweaty soup land, but seeing everybody bare their limbs to the world in shorts they haven’t touched in six months is simply electrifying.
FAVORITE PASTIME[S]: Gossiping with my grandmother about people she used to know. She was divorced before it was cool. Now she’s catty and loves to dish. Also Qigong with Kara Duval and voice noting my pen pal Elena like we’re old Victorian women writing letters from our hospital beds.
PET PEEVE[S]: City shoes in the house. Subway pants on the bed. Coughing into the public domain. New York City tech men with dogs off leash on the sidewalk. No. We are not living your primitive male fantasy. This is a city, those are cars, your bernedoodle Olivia needs parameters! This is not your backyard!!!
SOMETHING I LIKE RIGHT NOW: The EPiC: Elvis Presley In Concert Live Album. It’s a crazy psychedelic ride. I can’t even explain, please try it for yourself. He’s thrusting those hips and uh-huh-huh-huh-ing his morphined heart out. I dare you to put it on, if only because his cover of Bridge Over Troubled Water is a cathartic “Do the Dishes and Belt!” kind of jam. You may feel like you’ve taken the correct amount of pain killers to have a really good time by yourself. And isn’t that what Elvis wanted for you?
SOMEBOD[IES] I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF: Robby Hoffman the comedian, bodega cats everywhere, and my favorite barista Conner.
CHILDHOOD SECRET: I had pet rats and they were the best! Gave me a personality and delayed my first kiss by years. Thanks, Dad! In all seriousness, rat girls unite. I know there are many of us hiding in plain sight.
FAVORITE BAR IN NYC: I don’t care! Just no millennial minimalism and please don’t make me scream over the general public to have a conversation. I want to hear you!
FAVORITE MOVIES: What a cruel impossible prompt and yet, I chose it. Here is a rotating list but one I think sums it all up: Coraline, Juno, Past Lives, Janet Planet, Goodfellas, Lady Bird, Young Frankenstein, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Lilo and Stitch and all of the Pink Panthers with Steve Martin!!
I CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT: My hand sanitizer. Keep your distance.
LEAST FAVORITE ANIMATED CHARACTER: Plankton. Clearly. What a dick.
WHAT AM I WATCHING RIGHT NOW: Youtube Vlogs by rich beautiful women in London. I don’t know guys, I love watching them do their hair? It’s like I’m thirteen again. Most afternoons, I stare out my window and watch the neighborhood cat Mango roam the backyard. Does that count? TV wise, I’m churning through Apple’s Widow’s Bay but be wary, it is a little scary, though mostly goofy, written by Parks And Recreation genius Katie Lippold. TLDR; it’s a workplace horror comedy, shot like a Stephen King adaptation. Comedic genius Katie O’Flynn is properly singing and my TV husband Matthew Rhys is doing everything exactly right, as always.
ENNEGRAM TYPE: 2 / 3 tie with a 4 wing. Yup, go Google it.
FAVORITE DONUT: A glazed old fashion with coffee but when in Providence, a chocolate chip donut from Knead Donuts.
FAVORITE ANIMAL: Capybaras, otters and racoons aka the trash otters of land.
FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD: Don’t make me choose. Maybe Mendocino. But if I’m being a douchebag? The quiet residential streets of Tokyo.
MOST DAYS I: Wake up early because I can’t sleep in. Guzzle water like a bear. Perform my long, meditative coffee French Press routine. Go for a walk and see the mulberry trees. Wonder if society will continue. Tend to my acid reflux.
EMBARRASING MEMORY: There are so many, but… this one is easier to admit these days. I had a crush on a very cool boy in 7th grade who didn’t know I existed. I love to crush! Oh boy, can I yearn! As I yearned, I observed, from afar, that he loved basketball. We had P.E. together and so, this was easy to discover. For Christmas, I bought him a ceramic basketball ornament and left it on his backpack when he wasn’t looking because I was positive this would start a beautiful love story. We never spoke. Months passed. I didn’t address the ornament, nor did I reveal that I had given it to him. I guess British literature taught me he would… read my mind? Still gives me full body sweats. I hope he is playing basketball somewhere right now. And that he kept the ornament.
BEST FRUIT: Dates!!! Cover them in flaky salt. Dunk them in melted dark chocolate. I love having dessert on accident. If push comes to shove, I’ll settle for a banana but only if peanut butter is involved.
FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK: Thursday because the week is not yet over, but you know it’s coming to an end, and therefore, there’s no pressure to maximize enjoyment, so you might incidentally enjoy it!
WORST TIME OF YEAR: Noon on Christmas Day. Let it last forever!
COMFORT TV SHOWS: The Righteous Gemstones (anything Danny McBride), Arrested Development and Girls always because Lena Dunham and her brain are like a bedazzled philosopher romping around the city with her Snow White herd of British animals and I can never have enough!
FAVORITE BAKERY IN NEW YORK: Thea in Fort Green. This is a serious matter. But I’ve got eyes on Elbow’s soft pretzels. Report back if you’ve been.
FAVORITE PARK IN BROOKLYN: McGorlick! Tell me you aren’t in Europe whilst sitting on a bench in that beautiful lush nook of wonder as tiny rich children scuttle by you in shoes more expensive than yours!
DREAM VACATION: Denmark to see Hamlet’s castle and Hans Christian Andersen’s house because I am a fucking nerd !!
I WISH: For a good long summer of writing, movie making, and the occasional dusk walk with a friend because I don’t do well in the hot hot humidity.
WHAT DID I DO YESTERDAY: Cut off all my hair! But not in a scary way!
Reconsidering your subscription? I get it. Was it the rats? Or the fact that I wouldn’t marry Homer Simpson? Who would? Marge is a victim.
Tell me your embarrassing stories! Or at the very least, your pet peeves. Please, dear god!
I’m grateful you’re here. Stick around for awhile. Don’t make me beg.
xx
Emily
We are so on the same page
We ARE old Victorian women writing letters from our hospital bed